What If Love Was Never a Feeling?😉

“What Is Love?”

The question sounds simple, almost childish. But it is the most serious question I have ever asked myself.

For years, whenever someone told me, “I’m in love,” I would pause and respond with genuine curiosity: “What do you mean? Can you define that for me?” Most people couldn’t. Some said love is commitment. Others described butterflies: the racing heartbeat, the electric feeling when someone walks into the room. Some talked about constant excitement, picturing a future together, losing sleep over one person. I would nod, but inside, I always felt like I just didn’t understand.

I remember when I was dating, I would sometimes turn to the person I was with and ask, “What is love to you?” And right after asking, I would quietly wonder if he thought I was dramatic or crazy 😄. Still, I couldn’t stop asking. Because if love is what we are all searching for… shouldn’t we understand what it actually is?

We have been raised on fairy tales and romantic films that tell us love is overwhelming. Intense. Breathless. Psychologists actually have a word for that early rush: limerence—the infatuation stage filled with dopamine and adrenaline (Tennov, 1979). It feels magical. It feels consuming. But biologically, it is temporary and no one tells us that part.

No one explains that the butterflies settle, that attraction evolves, that excitement becomes routine. If love were only a feeling, most relationships wouldn’t survive past the honeymoon phase. And that realization changed the things I used to think I knew. Because I began to see that love is not sustained by adrenaline. It is sustained by intention.

So, What Is Love?

After reflecting deeply and experiencing life’s realities, I came to this conclusion: Love is a choice. It is saying: “I know you are not perfect. I know you don’t tick every box. But I choose you.” Not once. Not only when it’s easy, but repeatedly. By choosing patience over pride, communication instead of withdrawal, forgiveness instead of keeping score.

That is why long-term, healthy love looks calm, not chaos, not anxiety, not constant drama, Just peaceful.

Research in relationship psychology from The Gottman Institute show that stable, lasting couples are not those who avoid conflict, but those who intentionally repair and reconnect after it. To me Love, in practice, is daily effort, and I think that is why they call it partnership. 

To the One Sitting Alone This Valentine’s

Today, restaurants will glow with candlelight. Supermarkets will be full of flowers. Couples will be holding hands all around the streets. Social media will overflow with curated romance. And if you are alone, it can feel like the world is speaking the language you don't understand. You might feel left out.

You may wonder: What is wrong with me? Why not me? Regardless, don’t throw stones at Lovers 😄. be happy for strangers and celebrate love through them. Remember there is nothing wrong with you. Being single is not a reflection of your worth. It is not a delay in destiny. It is not proof that you are unlovable. It may simply be preparation and timing.

And honestly preparation matters. If you don’t use your season of preparation well, you may end up attracting what you don’t truly want.

When I first started thinking seriously about dating, I consumed so much content about “manifesting love.” The advice was always the same: “Write down exactly what you want.” I tried. But the truth? I didn’t know what I wanted. Well… except that he shouldn’t snore 😅.

I assumed that when I met the right person, I would simply know. But clarity rarely comes before experience. It comes after growth. Over time, I began to understand that manifesting love is not about vision boards or repeated affirmations. It is about intentional readiness. It is about asking and answering  yourself these questions: What do I value? What kind of life do I want to build? What behaviors will I not tolerate? How do I want to feel in a relationship?

How to know it's Love?

Don’t just pay attention to chemistry. Pay attention to your nervous system. Are you calm around this person? Do you feel emotionally safe? Can you express yourself without fear? Most of all, do you feel loved? Or are you constantly anxious? Overthinking? And shrinking yourself?

Clinical research on attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Hazan & Shaver, 1987) shows that secure relationships are marked by safety and emotional stability not chaos. Butterflies are exciting. But peace is sustainable. If growth matters to you, emotional maturity must align. If direction matters, your visions for the future should not constantly clash. If faith matters deeply to you, it cannot be negotiable. 

One of the most powerful shifts you can make is changing how you talk to yourself. If you repeatedly say, “All men are liars,” or “I’m unlucky in love,” or “Love never works for me,” your subconscious begins to search for proof. Psychologists call this confirmation bias, we tend to notice information that supports what we already believe. So choose your beliefs carefully.

When you believe and cherish yourself you will walk away sooner from misalignment. You will protect your peace and you will tolerate less confusion. And that changes everything.

This Valentine’s Day, whether you are receiving flowers or buying them for yourself, remember: Love is not late. You are not behind. You are not forgotten.

Intentional partnership, being someone’s everyday choice, safety, alignment, shared growth, all of these are worthy waiting for. And while you wait… grow. Heal. Refine your standards. Strengthen your faith. Build your life so fully that when love arrives, it meets you not rescue you.

I hope you find love.
And I hope love finds you ready.

Happy Valentine’s Day 🤍