They Never Hated Me!

When I was younger, I was happy deeply in love with myself. But sometimes, people would say things that shattered that love. I still remember someone saying, “Adeline’s face looks like an old lady's.” I laughed it off, but inside, something cracked. Still, I clung to my happiness as long as I was slim, as long as I felt “enough.”

But everything changed when I entered secondary school. I gained weight. Fast. And suddenly, the world around me shifted. The stares. The whispers. The spoken questions: What happened to her? I began to feel ashamed. I started to hate myself. I felt ugly. Undeserving. Like I didn’t belong anywhere.

And the cruelest thought settled in: If I can’t love myself, no one else ever will. That thought became poison. It infected how I walked, How I laughed, How I looked at others and how I imagined they looked at me. I felt small, Drunk on the poison of comparison, I would look at other girls and think: She is beautiful, Look at that girl, Look at that woman, I wish I had even half of her beauty. And just like that, I was trapped in a cycle of self-loathing, Of measuring, Comparing, Shrinking. Every day, I sank deeper. I was depressed but I smiled anyway. No one knew. 

Some classmates said things that maybe weren’t meant to be cruel but they broke me anyway. One girl said, “If you didn’t have that face, I wouldn’t be your friend.” Others laughed and called me “mama kigurube” their attempt at calling me “cutie pig.” They thought it was funny. So I laughed too. But inside, my heart bled. I looked down on myself so much that even my silence became a performance. I played along. Because standing up for myself? That felt impossible. I told myself: Maybe if I lose weight, I will finally be happy. Maybe if I become “pretty,” I will finally be worthy of love. 

And so, I lost the weight. But nothing changed. The mirror still showed me the girl I had learned to hate. I was still comparing, Still shrinking, Still hurting, Still unworthy.

Until something unexpected found me—manifestation. I did not fully understand it, but I was desperate enough to try. I chose one affirmation: “I am beautiful.” That simple sentence held everything I had never believed about myself. At first, it felt like a lie, Unrealistic, Silly. But I whispered it anyway. What’s there to lose? So I kept going, I said it over and over until it stopped sounding foreign. I repeated it until my mind softened, until the words no longer sat on my tongue, but began to settle in my soul. It became real.

One day, I caught my reflection and didn’t flinch. I stopped comparing myself to strangers on the street.
I smiled at my own smile. And slowly, gently, I fell in love with myself, Fully. When that happened, I saw love everywhere. In people, in strangers and, in friends I had distanced myself from because I thought they couldn’t love me.

Recently, I ran into some of the people I used to be around during my darkest days. I expected coldness, Indifference. But instead I saw warmth. They looked at me with kindness, they spoke with love. And in that moment, I realized something I wish I had known all along: "They never hated me." I just could not believe anyone could love me because I didn’t love myself.

My thoughts had robbed me of happiness, Of connection, Of belonging. And that’s why I’m writing this. If you are stuck in a cycle of self-hate, I want you to know that you are not alone. And you have total control of your thoughts.

You can’t truly love others if you don’t love yourself, You can’t fully receive love either.
The world will feel cold even when it is not, because we project our inner war onto everything and everyone around us. Every gesture, every silence and every word. We give it meaning based on what we believe about ourselves. So choose your thoughts with care. Speak to yourself with love because how you love yourself shapes the love you give and the love you allow yourself to receive. It is not easy. But it is possible. And I promise you, it is worth it.

And on the other side… Be careful with your words. You may not realize it, but your words can be swords. You might shrink someone’s spirit with what you think is just “conversation.” Body shaming is not curiosity, it is cruelty. Some people greet others with, "Why are you so fat?" or "Why are you so thin?" As if that’s a way of saying hello. But you don’t love me more than I love myself. So what are you really trying to achieve when you say, "You eat too much." or "You don’t eat at all." If your words aren’t constructive, silence is a gift. Choose your words twice and teach those around you to do the same.

 So, what’s one kind thing you will say to yourself today?

💬Drop it in the comments. Let’s flood this space with soothing, healing words. 💬